Before i was mood stabilized
Before I was stabilized on medications for bipolar disorder, I was very confused about my identity. I was a “moody” guy with good days and bad ones, had periods where I was productive and other times, not so much. I had episodes when I expressed a lot of energy and other times, I felt dragged down. But everyone was like this, I told myself. I was just a moody guy. I didn’t question it. After all, why ask whether it’s dark out at night or light during the day? It just is.
When I finally admitted that I had bipolar disorder and was mood stabilized, I saw my true identity on the inside as even keeled but that I had neurotransmitters that kidnapped my genuine self, pushing me downward into an abyss or hoisting me up to irrational highs. It was a relief to know that I was, at my core, “normal” like Dr. Jekyll but it was awful to know that I could be transformed into the deranged Mr. Hyde whenever my “sickness” expressed itself.
The experience of having one’s true personhood abducted by their brain is common in those who have bipolar disorder. Our neuro-chemicals cause us to question who we really are. Just as bad, though, the medications we take add to our identity-confusion. Over the years, many of my patients with bipolar disorder have told me that the pharmacopoeia I was prescribing was robbing them of themselves. The pills were causing them to be less fun-loving and their true creative self; their lives weren’t as rich and vital as they were without treatment. Despite my best intentions to help them, I was a perpetrator of their distress. I understood them. I had walked their walk.
Humans must have a clear sense of who we are, defined by our values, ethics, core beliefs and behaviors. Having such clarity anchors us in our world. We can’t have satisfying relationships or meaningful vocations when we don’t know who we are. It’s simply impossible to have a shifting sense of self and live a stable, happy life.
After years of mood stability, I was finally certain about the difference between medication side effects and the genuine, authentic me. I felt good: bipolar was a healthy aspect of my identity. I was fully integrated with a solid sense of self and this provided me with a comfort that I never had experienced before. Perhaps in the future I will have a hypomanic or depressive episode and Mr. Hyde will reappear. When I become stable after that period ends, though, I will know that I am neither Dr. Jekyll nor Hr. Hyde. I am both. I am now a doctor living well who happens to have a mental health condition. It’s as simple as that. Full acceptance of all aspects of my authentic self allows me to have inner peace. I am now whole.
Are you Jekyll, Hyde, neither, both?