Tag: shame

Bipolar Mania and Sexual Assault

Assault and psychiatric disorders.

Of all my blog posts, this is far and away the most difficult one I’ve ever written.  It is commonly believed that those with psychiatric disorders are frequent perpetrators of violence.  This is a myth.  Actually, the reverse is true.  The fact is that those with mental health conditions are much more likely to be on the receiving end of assault, not the other way around. Sexual violence against those with bipolar disorder is far too common.

Me Too

My Story

A frequent symptom of bipolar disorder is hypersexuality.  Those who are manic or hypomanic can be flirtatious, seductive, overly erotic and have increased libidos.  Given that these symptoms occur in the context of disinhibition and impaired judgement, it’s easy to see why those in elevated mood states can inadvertently place themselves in dangerous situations.  Sexual assault is something that I, unfortunately, understand.

Shame and guilt

The guilt and shame that too frequently follow assault can be crushing.  Self-blame erupts from within: a relentless, obsessive question circles though the mind.  “Did I do something to cause this?”  The answer, of course, is “no”, but it can be a tough hill to climb to convince oneself of this.  When we fall into this ruminative hole, we can remember that there’s no reason for self-condemnation just because another has perpetrated violence against us.  True, but as I said, a tough hill to climb.

Survival and a brighter day

I believe that shame only survives in the dark.  When we keep secrets, our self worth is eroded.  What is unspoken can, after some time, feel like it is unspeakable.  Sometimes, like right now as I write this, I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that there is nothing more powerful and freeing than honesty and authenticity.  Our truths matter.  There are those who have been on the receiving end of assault and remain caught in a voiceless silence.  I understand them.  Perhaps sharing my story will make it just a little bit easier for them to feel unburdened and escape from the weight that bears down upon them.  Perhaps they can begin to feel like survivors.  I do.  Somehow, I found a light to lead me on a pathway out of the shadows into a brighter and healthier day.